On Falling Down

15 06 2010

Since I began this journey, I’ve fallen down many, many times.  Some days I fall down more than once.

My biggest issue still lies with food.  While the hemp hearts trial netted a 4 pound weight loss last week, I ran out of them and went two days without them and felt sluggish and down – which is also in line with some stressful stuff that happened too so I’m not sure if my energy level was the lack of hemp hearts or if my stress levels were up.

This past Sunday and Monday, things were not going my way at all and without going into huge detail, life had really kicked me in the balls.  Despite going to my favorite class, Zumba, Monday morning, I spent much of yesterday afternoon worrying, frustrated, and unfocused.

And I fell down, hard.  I binged. Even though I had planned a healthy dinner, I didn’t cook it.  Monday night dinner was raw broccoli, potato chips, 4 cookies with milk, and a midnight snack of a bowl of cereal with white sugar on top  – things I haven’t had in months.  Needless to say I felt like absolute shit by the end of it!

Beastie Boys’ Sabotage was playing in my head the whole time.  I’m not even kidding.  When I feel this way, I turn to this song to wake me up and pull me out before I do serious damage.

I had visions of gaining back all the weight, or never going to the gym again, of eating what I wanted when I wanted and finally, of the unhealthy, grumpy version of me that I once was.  I felt guilty, scared and angry with myself.  I was at a scary low.

Finally I stopped the anger train and thought about the stress that had caused me to eat my emotions away.  I knew exactly why I had done what I had done.

I held that ball of stress in my hands, rolling it over my palms and examining it’s particles.  I pulled it apart slowly, like taffy, and soon had smaller bits, smaller issues, lined up in a row.

I tackled the problems I could when I was done putting them into their own Mental Tupperware, and made plans to work on the things I couldn’t accomplish before bed last night.  I also let a couple of the insignificant issues slide.  I had to decide which parts of this burden were worth re-visiting, worth putting energy into, and decided that some of them were not worth the time required to think about them.  I trashed a few issues knowing they were not part of my ultimate life goals and walked away.

While everything isn’t back to peachy yet, I’m working on these things, one little piece at a time, in manageable bites.

It’s so easy to fall down.  It’s so easy to slip back into the comfort of {insert your sinful food here}.

I do it – usually just a stumble here and there, but sometimes a fall is so quick, so unexpected, it’s difficult to pick yourself up from the ground and remind yourself why you’re doing all of this.

So when you fall, pick yourself back up.  Take the time to dissect why you fell, but don’t dwell on the actual fall and beat yourself up.  Move forward with new knowledge on how to handle a stumble next time, and maybe your smarter brain and stronger legs will carry you back up before you even hit the ground.


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20 responses

15 06 2010
kgirl

That was no doubt the biggest battle of them all, and next time, you will conquer. Way to go, you should be proud.

15 06 2010
Sugarpants

Thanks kgirl. :)

15 06 2010
Barnmaven

I think you were able to nail the first step, which is shutting down that angry, recriminating voice telling you you’re a complete loser because you can’t seem to stop eating. The voice that tells me if I’ve had ONE cookie I might as well have the WHOLE DAMN BOX because I’ve gone and blown it already. The voice that tells me to have that ice cream sandwich when the kids are yelling and stressing me out, and why should it matter if I’m fat, I’m clearly a lousy mother? Yeah. That voice. I need some duct tape for it.

15 06 2010
Sugarpants

Oh I remember that voice very very well. I’m pretty sure I heard it after cookie # 2. Thank God there were only 4 cookies in that DAMN BOX!

That voice is very very loud some days – especially the fat, lousy mother thing – omg the guilt. I totally get that. Double duct tape for that voice!

16 06 2010
Lisa

Oh man, I hate feeling like that. I especially hate those days when I think how much easier it would be if I could just be happy fat. I think handling stress is the hardest part because we have to find new ways to cope with it besides our old friend the food. You did great! You worked through it all instead of letting the darkness take control.

I’m glad you’re feeling like you have the issues that caused the stress under control, and I’m really glad you’re not beating yourself up about it. That never accomplishes anything.

16 06 2010
Sugarpants

Yeah I am really trying not to be obsessive about this stuff. Everyone makes mistake, and has weak moments – the trick for me is not beating myself up but not totally excusing it either – it’s such a fine line to have a healthy attitude about food!

16 06 2010
sam {temptingmama}

*hugs* I know just how you feel. You know I do. We’re so alike it’s scary sometimes.

Life is sometimes just one gigantic ball of stress and no matter how hard you try, it doesn’t get any better. (Ya. Debbie Downer, I know.) The guilt eats at me daily. But, to avoid falling into the food trap, I MAKE myself get out there and do something. If I feel like bingeing (ALL THE TIME) I drink some water and hit the road.

Get to the basement, pop in a video and just do it. It helps.

I know you can avoid the food trap. I KNOW YOU CAN.

I also bought the hemp hearts and they really are great – help too – but get fibre too: Shreddies, Shredded Wheat, something – they are great to start your day, get your energy, and curb the cravings. :)

(I just re-read it, and it’s all about me… but that’s not what I mean. I’m just trying to share my experience. ROFL)

I love you, Sugarpants. Lots.

16 06 2010
Sugarpants

I know you know how I feel – and thanks for reminding me about fiber. I guess I’m supposed to have 25 grams per day and I’ve been averaging about 10! Time to work on that too. Oy. So much thinking. :)

16 06 2010
hodgepodgeandstrawberries

I had the same internal dialogue when I quit smoking (over and over again, until I finally got it right). “I’ll just have one, it’s been a tough day and I can’t go without it… oh, now I’ve had one, the day is shot, fuck it, I’ll quit again tomorrow”.

Someone told me once “Don’t quit quitting”. And he was right.

We all have days where we fall. All you can do is pick yourself up afterwards, and try again.

ps. I’ve found Zumba classes in my city, and have bought proper sneakers. Now all I need is some fat-girl workout shorts, and I’m all set to give it a try. So thanks for the tip. :)

16 06 2010
Sugarpants

It’s true that it’s the same about smoking – I was a smoker for 20 years until I quit nearly 4 years ago.
Good for you for trying Zumba – I recommend either exercise capris or tighter shorts – like those workout shorts that go just above your knees. As long as you’re comfortable, you’ll be fine. Let me know how you like it!

16 06 2010
el-e-e

I think I’m in the middle of a fall-down. Thanks for posting this, and good for you, getting past it. I’m counting on vacation (swimming every day!) to pull me out of my funk and re-boot my stress levels to zero.

16 06 2010
Sugarpants

I’m jealous you’re swimming! I wish we had a pool. The town pool is freezing (so I’ve heard) and I’m embarrassed to be in a swimsuit anyway.

16 06 2010
Ren

“So when you fall, pick yourself back up.”

It’s all right there, you know?

16 06 2010
Sugarpants

Yup. ;)

16 06 2010
Amy

Wow, someone tweeted the link to this blog, ad if I didn’t know better, I’d think I wrote this! I literally do the EXACT same thing with the Beastie Boys song, and if I’m doing something I know I shouldn’t, it pops right into my brain.

Thank you for this. I’ve lost 69 pounds so far, and I got out of the 200’s for the first time in years 2 weeks ago, and since then, I haven’t done what I needed to do to get to the finish line. It’s like I got to my big starter mark and then just got comfortable with it and quit. I can’t quit, this isn’t where I want to be. So I’m picking myself up and dusting myself off, and this post is gonna be a huge kick in the butt to get me moving again.

Thank you!!

16 06 2010
Sugarpants

Really about the Beastie Boys song? That is SO funny. My cousin laughs that we both turn to songs all the time. Hee!
69 pounds so far is AMAZING! Good for you! What are you going to work on in your first weeks of being 100 and something? I can’t wait to hear about how you succeed.

16 06 2010
amysjoy

Awesome. You are so inspirational, and it’s great knowing that you struggle too, that it’s OKAY to struggle. Good for you picking yourself back up and starting over.

16 06 2010
John

Sugarpants,

Remember to schedule a cheat meal, or partial meal that you can have whatever the heck you want. I chose Saturday.

I’ve been doing this for a while now and trust me, it works. It helps to keep you focused; truly the carrot before the cart.

I use Lose It! for iPhone and have requested you as a friend.

Thus far in these 17 weeks, I’ve lost 51lbs. ONLY with the help of a cheat meal. When I mean cheat meal, I mean, I get stupid. 1500 calories stupid. Then I’m done. It’s out of my system and I get back down to business.

Even if your cheat meal wasn’t scheduled, allow it.

Pick yourself back up and continue.

You’ll be all right, and cheat meals also kick start your pancreas and it surges your metabolism back up if it had been lagging. Keep it up, and I’ll see you on the iPhone app!

17 06 2010
flutter

everyone falls, the grace is in how you get back up. go, baby, go!

17 06 2010
SeattleRunnerGirl

Amen to getting back up when you fall. AND to not turning a mistake into a moral failing, right? You had a binge. That doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t mean you’re going to gain the weight back. It’s a mistake from which you can choose to move on immediately. One day, one meal, one moment at a time.

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